How The Final Problem should have been
by ravenbach
Summary: I'm writting my version of the last episode of Sherlock, it's so much better you're gonna love it. Also sorry about my bad english, but I live in France. XoXO
1. Chapter 1

So you all, I watched the final problem and I thought it was awful. So I'm doing my version of the episode to show how to do some proper things, I hope you enjoy, but if you don't I don't give a shit. Enjoy!

(The episode starts with a girl sleeping on a plane, she wakes up and her cell phone is ringing.)

Girl: I thought I had turned this shit off, people always say you can't use your cell phone on airplanes.

(She looks to her side and everyone is sleeping)

Girl: But I guess no one is going to care. Hello.

Jim: Hello.

Girl: Who the fuck are you? Why are you calling me so late? You better have some good explanations because I'm pissed off right now.

Jim: My name is Jim Moriarty.

Girl: Never heard of.

Jim: But I have some good things to tell you. (Laughs deviously)

Girl: What the fuck! You are a pedophile!

( The girl hangs up and Jim calls her again)

Girl: Oh no this bitch again.

Jim: Just let me tell you…

Girl: I don't want to hear your ugly voice again, otherwise I'm calling the police, I'm on a plane ok? I don't want it to fall because of me.

(She hangs up again and Jim calls one more time)

Jim: Welcome to the final…

Girl: Nope.

(She hangs up one last time and starts sleeping.)

(Opening)

(It cuts to a scene where Mycroft is watching porn on his telly, when suddenly it explodes and he stays in the dark)

Mycroft: what the fuck? Who interrupted my porn?

(A little girl appears and starts laughing)

Mycroft: How the hell did you got in here?

(The Little girl goes away, Mycroft walks through his hallway in the dark when a dark as fuck clown appears out of nothing in a creepy way).

Mycroft: This cannot be real.

(He picks up his umbrella sword)

Mycroft: stay back bitch.

Clown: No.

(Mycroft stabs the clown in the heart and he dies. All the lights in the house turn on and Sherlock enters the room)

Sherlock: hey bro.

(Sherlock sees the stabbed clown lying on the floor)

Sherlock: WHAT THE FUCK MYCROFT? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU STABBED MICHAEL?

Mycroft: Who's Michael?

Sherlock: My friend, he was dressed as a clown.

Mycroft: Well he is dead now, too bad you have an awful sense of humor, you interrupted my porn and made this stupid joke, now Michael is dead.

Sherlock: I should have hidden your umbrella sword.

Mycroft: And who was the little girl?

John (with a wig): me.

Mycroft: Wow. What the hell are you two doing here?

Sherlock: tell him John.

John: Your secret sister shot me in the face.

Mycroft: Who…?

John: Oreos.

Mycroft: Oh, that one. Right, and how is that you are here now and not in an hospital?

John: Who Cares?

Sherlock: You have many things to explain now brother.

Mycroft: Ok, but now we have to hide Michael's corpse, help me out bitches.

(The three of them dig a grave in Mycroft's backyard and put Michael's dead body in there. Then they go to 221B to talk about Oreos.)

Mycroft: So… Where do I begin?

Sherlock: First tell me how do I have a secret sister and I don't remember her at all.

Mycroft: Well, that is very simple. Do you like oreos?

Sherlock: No, I hate this shit.

Mycroft: Well that's why.

John: Bloody hell, it makes sense.

Sherlock: But why did she shoot John?

Mycroft: Well I have to tell you a little story.

Sherlock: I love stories.

Mycroft: It all started when our mom got pregnant out of an Oreo.

Sherlock: WHAT?!

Mycroft: Yeah, our dad did a vasectomy but our mom got pregnant even so, therefore the only possible explanation was that she ate a lot of oreos and it made her get pregnant. It's scientifically explainable, the white part in the oreos are made out of sperm, that's what our mom said and she can't be wrong since she is a scientist.

Sherlock: Oh MY MY.

John: Or maybe your mom cheated on your father?

Mycroft: Jesus Christ John, shut the fuck up, what a braggy bitch. So let me continue my story. Oreos were born a premature genius, mom said when she was born the first word she said was "unconstitutionally".

Sherlock: Mmm so she was smarter than us?

Mycroft: You are right.

John: I don't even know what this word means nowadays.

Mycroft: See… she was ahead of her time. However, Oreos did not use her intelligence to do good things, she was an evil brat. When we were young we had a babysitter called Nancy, Oreos did not like her at all, so one day when she was five she said "Nancy, my ball fell on the roof, can you get it for me?" and Nancy was like: "Oh, of course my dear." So Nancy spent half an hour trying to climb the roof and when she got up there she said "I don't see any ball here darling." And Oreos was like: "Because there isn't any ball, suck it bitch".

Sherlock: Oh my God! It only gets worse.

Mycroft: I know brother.

John: So… that's all she did?

Mycroft: No. Eventually she killed Nancy, but after the ball prank, it was the least she could do to the poor Nancy.

Sherlock: I agree.

John: What more can you tell us about Oreos?

Mycroft: She was into sadomasochism. She spanked all her friends in school.

John: Oh, like Mary did to me.

(Everybody stares at John)

John: Heheh, Just Kidding folks.

Mycroft: All right then. So after killing Nancy we decided that Oreos should go to a prison. First I just tried to put her in a cage on our yard, but this plan didn't work, Oreos used her mind tricks and made our new babysitter release her.

John: How she did it?

Mycroft: She offered her oreos.

John: Classic.

Mycroft: Then I had to build a larger and safer prison.

John: And haven't you think that she could escape the same way she did in the cage?

Mycroft: No, Why would I?

Sherlock: Yeah John you are not making sense bitch.

John: Well she did escape, since she just shot me in the face.

Sherlock: John don't be redundant, it is very clear that the woman that shot you was a cyborg that Oreos constructed in prison.

Mycroft: Yes Sherlock, my little brother, you always get it right.

(Suddenly a cyborg kicks the door and enters the room, she looks like the bitch from The Ring, but sexier and smarter, also she looks like a repressed My Chemical Romance fan.)

Oreosborg: Oh, my two favorites bitches and John.

Mycroft: What are you doing here Oreosborg?

Oreosborg: Jesus brother just came here to check my pals, can't I?

Sherlock: No, not after what you did with Nancy.

Oreosborg: Oh… So Mycroft told you about her… But did he tell you the whole story?(winks in a sexy way).

Sherlock: What does she means?

Mycroft (sweating): Uhh… I have no idea.

Sherlock: You shot John, go away stay out of our lives…

(John's eyes shine)

John: Thank you She.

Sherlock: You are welcome, sweetie.

John: No homo bro.

Oreosborg: Ownnn… Defending your boyfriend, you are so cute Sherlock, it would be a shame if I threw a grenade at you two right now.

(Oreosborg's arms starts moving in a weird way and it looks like she is either having a seizure or doing a very strange emo dance)

Oreosborg: What the fuck, this thing is not working! Throw grenade! Shit!

(Oreosborg now starts twerking and it seems like she is about to explode)

Oreosborg: Can someone come here and help me? Jim what the fuck, your cyborg is not working.

John: Guess she is not that genius after all.

(Sherlock laughs. John is so funny… and lovely.)

Oreosborg: Well fuck this shit. I strongly recommend you guys come to prison visit your beautiful sister, aka me, I prepared a lot of nice games for you all. In addition, I would recommend you all get out of here because this cyborg is about to auto destructs itself.

( The cyborg is about to explode. John grabs Sherlock hands and they jump out of the window together in a very straight way and 221 B explodes, also we do not know what happened to Mycroft, but we don't care about him so fuck it.)

( John and Sherlock are lying on the ground with not a scratch.)

Sherlock: John, are you okay?

John: Yeah, yeah, thank you for defending me against your evil sister's cyborg.

Sherlock: I would do anything for you John…

John (stares at him) : Wou… would you?

Sherlock (with a glimpse in his eyes) : Yeah John, anything you ask me.

John: Ok, bring Mary back to life.

Sherlock (hurt): Bitch what the fuck.

John: You said anything…

Sherlock: Ok bye. I don't have super powers to bring your sadomasochist girlfriend back to life, and as far as I'm concerned I don't have any dragon balls here with me.

(Sherlocks rushes through the street, John follows him.)

John: Where are you going?

Sherlock: I am going to see someone that can get us to Oreos prison fast.

John: Who?

(The scene cuts and they are in someone else's apartment)

Mrs Hudson: Hello my baker street bitches.

Sherlock: Hey Huds, so do you still have that expensive motorboat?

Mrs Hudson: Of course dear, I always use it. Why?

Sherlock: I was thinking if you could get me and John somewhere fast, to my sister's prison.

Mrs Hudson: I don't know where this is dear.

Sherlock: At the sea.

Mrs Hudson: Okay, now I know. Of course I can get you two there. But let's say only party hard people get on my boat… (Stares at them maliciously)

( John and Sherlock look at each other confusedly)

(Then we cut to a scene where John Sherlock and Mrs Hudson are on an expensive boat, listening that song 'Like a G6'. Mrs Hudson Twerks at John and Sherlock starts to drink vodka and dance with Mrs Hudson hugging her. John and Sherlock dance with her and she twerks on them pouring herself more vodka.)

John: That's some good shit.

Mrs Hudson: WHERE ARE MY PARTY PEOPLEEE?

( John and Sherlock raise up their hands dancing to the beat, Sherlock looks a little drugged but that's okay it's only molly (ps: no sherlolly intended with this phrase)).

Sherlock: I feel like kissing someone.

John: Mm… Really? Whom would you like to kiss?

Sherlock: Well, it is someone that is here on the boat.

John (biting lips) : Who would it be?

Sherlock: Mrs Hudson!

(Sherlock and Mrs Hudson starts to make out very hardcore, John stares at this scene very hurt and confused, we don't know why, maybe it's because he likes Mrs Hudson too).


	2. Chapter 2

So, here is the second chapter of this fic, I have already wrote the whole thing, and there are going to have five chapters, enjoy.

Ps: I still don't know how to use this site very well

( They say goodbye to Mrs Hudson and then they get out of the boat in the prison Island, and Mycroft is already there for some unexplainable reason, I don't know, do not ask me, we don't Like Mycroft.)

Mycroft: So the plan is very simple: John and I distract the guards and you go talk to Oreos.

Sherlock: Why? I don't want to talk with this woman.

Mycroft: But she is your sister and she wants to talk to you.

Sherlock: Okay, I guess.

( Sherlock disguise himself with John's wig and walk through the gates and reach Oreos cell on the third floor, because the "high" security of the prison also sucks really bad.)

(Mycroft and John are talking to the guards on the first floor)

Mycroft: So, I want to know what the hell is happening here in this shitty prison. How did Oreos managed to construct a cyborg at her cell?

Prison Guard: Mycroft, when was the last time you came here?

Mycroft: How is this relevant?

Prison Guard (his name is Bob by the way, but you all don't care since he will die in some minutes) : Answer my question.

Mycroft: I don't know… I guess it was 1970, I was like twelve years old.

Bob (the prison guard): So you don't come here for hell know how long and now you are questioning our security.

Mycroft: Fuck yeah.

Bob: Mycroft you stopped sending money to the prison in the minute you stepped the fuck out of here.

Mycroft: I guess… So what did you do?

Bob: We sold this prison to Jim Moriarty.

John: Fuck.

( Sherlock is in Oreos cell, she is on the ground doing some exercises or dancing)

Sherlock: So… you like gymnastics

Oreos: Let's say I love to pop and jam and break…. It's in our blood brother.

Sherlock: I don't like those things. I am a detective.

Oreos (singing): Look at me and what do you see?

Sherlock: A crazy woman.

Oreos (still singing): Intelligence beyond compare.

Sherlock: Okay, I do not know what you are doing, but you better stop.

Oreos: Sorry, that aren't a lot of good movies to watch in this prison, and this one have stuck in my head.

Sherlock: So, why the hell did you want me to come here?

Oreos: Isn't it obvious Sherlock?

Sherlock: Honestly, no.

Oreos (standing up): Look at me, what are you failing to realize?

Sherlock: mmm…

Oreos: Okay, I'm going to make your life easier (she put her long dark hair in front of her face and make an awkward voice) SEVEN DAYS. Okay, who am I?

Sherlock: Mm… an accountant?

Oreos: Bloody hell, Sherlock! Have you never seen The Ring?

Sherlock: No, mom and dad said it was a forbidden movie.

Oreos: Makes sense. But guess what, that's because I'm Samara. Yeah, that's it, I was just an young girl and my parents made me do that stupid movie. I felt used, I felt betrayed.

Sherlock: So you killed Nancy, my favorite babysitter because… our parents sign you up to do a creepy girl in a horror movie.

Oreos: That is right! I love when you make deductions. But oh… Sherlock, you don't know a thing about the real Nancy story. (smiles) Now I'm going to make one: Mycroft told you about the time when he locked me in a cage in our yard.

Sherlock: Yes.

Oreos: And I bet he told you I escaped offering oreos to our new babysitter.

Sherlock: Yes…

Oreos: Well (Oreos squeezes herself between the bars and get out of the cell) actually I am a great contortionist.

(Sherlock is shocked. Oreos jump in his throat in a psychopath way, yelling like Samara from the ring, if you ask me, she still gots it.)

(An alarm starts to ring and Mycroft and John are confused.)

John: What the fuck is happening?

Bob: I'm sorry guys, but I promised Jim Moriarty I would stick to the plan.

(Many prison guards start pushing the two of them, and they don't know what is happening)

(They wake up. John, Sherlock, Mycroft and Bob the prison guard are locked up in Oreos cell)

(Oreos face appears on tv)

Oreos: Hello little men. I'm Oreos Holmes do you wanna play a game?

John: no…

Oreos: Too bad, I don't care. Also let's salute your host man, Jim Moriarty.

(his face appears on tv)

Jim: Hello.

Oreos: So Jim, do you want to tell them the first level of the game?

Jim: Of course Oreos, and just let me say you look stunning today, so much prettier than Sherlock.

Oreos (blushes): I do what I can in my cell with poor resources.

Sherlock: Can you all shut up? You are boring me.

Jim: Oh… I guess Sherlock is jealous of our love honey. Are you Sherlock?

Sherlock: Not at all.

Jim (hurt) : okay then. On the first level of the game you all are going to watch something very special me and Oreos have prepared.

Oreos: Oh yeah, it's a resistance test. There is a gun on the cell, the first person to kill herself is out of the competition.

Jim: Enjoy.

(A video starts. Oreos is using a tank top and dressed like she is a builder or something)

Oreos (singing): I ain't worried about nothing…

John: Oh no, God.

Oreos: I ain't wearing nada.

(Oreos starts doing some sexy dancing moves. Jim approaches her shirtless and looking like a goofy builder, they look like they are about to kiss)

Jim (singing, with a lot of auto tune covering his terrible voice): I know you are always on that nightshift, but I can't stand this nights alone.

Oreos: And I don't need no explanation, cause baby you're the boss at home.

(Then Jim and Oreos start to twerk together)

Both: You don't gotta go to work work work work….

John: I can't handle it anymore.

(John runs and try to reach the gun, Sherlock jumps in front of him, trying to stop his moves)

Both: work work work work work work work….

Sherlock: John, please don't, hang on, you are strong enough.

John: I'm not Sherlock, maybe you and Mycroft are…

(Mycroft starts vomiting on the corner)

John: mm, maybe just you. But I'm not strong enough for this.

Them: Work work work work work…

(Oreos is rubbing her butt on Jim's pants while licking a hammer like Mile Cyrus)

Sherlock: Please, you can handle this… But I can't handle this without you.

(John is about to cry)

John: This is the most…

(John can't complete his phrase because Bob shoots himself and his brain fly through the whole cell)

Mycroft (crying): Please, Bob already killed himself let us go.

(Sherlock starts to think)

Sherlock: mm… (he picks up the gun and shoots the screen, it blacks out)

Mycroft: Well thought.

(Another screen on the cell turns on)

Them: Work work work work…

(Oreos cut to her face)

Oreos: Just kidding with you. I bet you liked our homemade video, we shot here in the prison, so sorry you couldn't see the part where we started screwing up. Jk, again.

Jim: It was a good movie, I could definitely see how jealous Sherlock was about our love, poor boy.

Sherlock: Jesus Christ I really don't give a shit.

Jim: Okay okay… If you say so (blinks).

Oreos: Yeah, and pass through the door guys, you are going to face the game's next level.


	3. Chapter 3

New Chapter, enjoy xoxo

(John and Sherlock hold hands)

John: I like… when we hold hands. But no homo bro, I just want to walk safely.

Sherlock: I get you.

Jim: Oreos tell those two to stop holding hands.

Oreos: Stop holding hands bitches.

John: And if we don't?

Oreos: I going to enter this cell and kick your asses with my Hot Topic spiked boot, you better respect me like I'm your pimp and you are my whores.

Jim: Well said honey.

Oreos: Thanks cupcake.

Jim: Hey Sherlock, do you know your sister and me are dating?

Sherlock: And….

Jim: Now we're going to kiss just to show you all we are in fact dating.

(They give the strangest kiss ever, after that, they both look like they are about to vomit just like Mycroft)

Jim: Love is a beautiful thing.

John (looking at Sherlock for some reason): Indeed.

Sherlock: So are you going to tell us what this second level is about or are we going to see your disgusting kiss again?

Jim: Alright. The second level is a little game I call… I've never.

John: You mean that game where people have to drink if they did something.

Jim: How do you know that? I thought I had invented this game.

John: No, you really did not.

Jim: Anyways… Let's start.

(They find some tequila shots in a table)

Mycroft: I will start then. I have never made a video so outrageous and repulsive that people literally killed themselves and vomited after watching it.

(Oreos and Jim stare at each other and drink a shot)

Oreos: Okay, my turn. I have never killed someone… oops actually I did (drinks a shot).

(Mycroft, John, Sherlock, and Jim drink too)

Mycroft: You really don't understand how this game works.

Oreos: No, I just wanted to drink some Tequila.

John: Ahn… I have never kissed a man (looks at Sherlock, but he doesn't drinks)

(Oreos is the only one that drinks)

Oreos: Come on Jim, you can drink; no one is going to judge you.

(Jim stares at her with pure rage and she shuts up)

Jim: I have never fell in love with Jim Moriarty.

(No one drinks)

Jim (whispering to Oreos): You better drink bitch.

(Oreos drinks)

Jim: Okay, we are going to have to finish this level.

John: Why?

Jim: It came to my attention that Sherlock lied in one of the questions.

Sherlock: No I did not.

Jim (yelling): YES YOU DID, AND IF YOU SAY OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE KILLED.

Sherlock: I lied then.

Jim: That's what I thought.

Oreos: Let's go to the next level, this one is bombastic.

(They enter in a room where a stripper is dancing in a table with a Sherlock mask covering her face)

Jim (yelling): WRONG ROOM.

( They go to the other door, and this is the right one. There is a coffin with 'I love you' written on it)

Sherlock: What does it means?

Oreos: This is about someone that loves you Sherlock, just a tip to help you out: Starts with Mo and ends with Lly.

Sherlock: Mm… Mo…lly. Molly.

Jim: Good boy.

Sherlock: What about her?

Oreos: We put bomb in her house, you are going to call her and make her say "I love you" to you. But you can 't tell it's because of this game. If she doesn't say I love you, you all are going to eat Molly stew for dinner.

Sherlock: Jim, honestly, why do you want me to make Molly say she loves me?

Jim: Because. Or maybe… you can say you love someone else instead.

Sherlock: Okay. I love you Jo..

Jim: Nope. Molly has to say it.

Sherlock: But you said…

Jim: I CHANGED MY MIND.

Sherlock: Ok then.

Oreos: We will call Molly, you have 2 minutes to make her say it to you.

(Molly appeared on the screen, she was having a cheesecake in her kitchen)

(Everybody stayed in silence)

Cell phone: So baby pull me closer in the backseat of your Rover.

John: Is this her ringtone?

Mycroft: Guess so.

John: Come on Sherlock, you can do it.

Molly: Can't believe this cunt is calling me again. Can't a woman have her cheesecake in peace?

Sherlock: Come on Molly answer your phone.

Molly(picking up her cellphone): Hello.

Sherlock: Molly I will need you to do something for me, but you cannot question its motives. Listen carefully because it's very important and…

Molly: Wow, do I look like Anastasia for you?

Sherlock: what?

Molly: Do you think we are in fifty shade of grey? Where I do anything you ask like I'm your dog?

Sherlock: No…

Molly: Just Kidding Sherlock, go on…

Sherlock: Molly I need you to say that you love me.

Molly: Jesus Sherlock, I already said to you that it was just one nightstand, we won't date okay? Honestly you are not even that good in bed, you couldn't keep your friend hard for five minutes, you cannot properly fuck a woman and I don't want to have sex with you again.

Sherlock (embarrassed): Mm… but…

Oreos(laughing hard): Oh my god, that's some good shit going in there, keep it up Molly.

(John looks confused, even Mycroft is failing to believe)

Sherlock: Molly… mm… listen, I do not want to date with you, I just need you to say you love me.

Molly: Sherlock you really need to work on your self-esteem, your problem in bed is super normal, okay? Jim couldn't get hard too, it happens in the best families.

Oreos: HAHAHA OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M CHOOKING.

Jim: Okay time is up. Unfortunately Molly didn't said 'I love you' so she is going to explode. Oreos release the bomb on this little hoe.

Oreos: Sherlock time to say goodbye to your friend.

Sherlock: No… please don't.

Oreos: You had your chance. Time for an explosion.

(Sherlock, John and Mycroft waited concerned for something to happen, but 20 seconds passed by and Molly was eating her cheesecake normally.)

Oreos (whispering): Gosh Jim help me out, this button is not working.

Jim: Give me that Oreos you can't do anything right.

(Silence)

Jim: Shit, is not working.

Oreos: That's what I told you bitch.

Jim: Who was in charge of putting bombs in her flat?

Oreos: I guess it was Bob.

Jim: Where is him now?

Oreos: In heaven. He killed himself watching our video, remember?

Jim: He is not in heaven this prick is rooting in hell, he couldn't even put a bomb on this bitch's house.

John: So, do you know we are listening to everything, right?

(The tv showed a fabricated explosion with awful especial effects)

Oreos (doing a strange voice): Oh no I'm Molly, I'm dying.

(The tv blacked out and it came back to Oreos and Jim faces)

Jim: So, Molly died, what a shame.

John: She did not.

Oreos: Shut up John.

Mycroft: So, how much more time are we going to expend doing this stupid game? I pretend to go back home at six o' clock to watch America's next top model.

Oreos: The game is over when Jim says it's over, enjoy the ride while you can because you will probably die on the next level.

Jim: Stop giving spoilers Oreos.

Oreos: I'm just preparing him emotionally.

Mycroft: What?! This is absurd.

Oreos: So… go to the other room.

(John stays close to Sherlock)

John: I am not liking this Sherlock.

Sherlock: Neither am I, John.

John: Can't you do something to stop your sister?

Sherlock: I don't know what to do, for the first time in my life.

( They find another room with a simple table and a gun on it)

John: The scenographers at this prison really suck, don't they? Like this rooms are all the same, with a poor table in it.

Jim: We spent most of the money on the tv screens, how much do you think a smat tv costs John? Jesus you are so dumb, I don't know what Sherlock sees in you.

Oreos: So, the next level is very simple. Sherlock has to kill one of his friends, or kiss Jim.

Sherlock: Okay, I'm going to kill Mycroft.

Jim: Are you sure this is the best option?

Sherlock: Yes, I am sorry brother.

Mycroft: It's okay, I knew I was going to die, as Oreos said some minutes ago.

Oreos: Yes, but Sherlock has another option to choose, that does not evolves around killing someone.

Mycroft: No, I prefer that he kills me over him kissing Jim. Just make me one favor, go to the cemetery and tell to my grave who won America's next top model.

Oreos: I tried Jim.

( Sherlock points his gun at Mycroft, he is about to cry this is too hard for him, he tries to push the trigger but he cannot. Instead he points the gun at his head)

John: NOOO!

(Johns jumps at Sherlock. The lights go out, they can't see anything)


	4. Chapter 4

So... the next chapter is going to be the last one, hope you are enjoying this till here xoxo!

(Sherlock wakes up on a table. He is alone on a small and dark room)

Sherlock: John? Where's my John?

Oreos: Hello Sherlock, finally we are on the final problem. Let's say John is in great danger, you have some time left to figure this shit out and save your boyfriend.

Sherlock: And where's Jim?

Oreos: He went away. I'm in charge of this shit now.

Sherlock: I could use some light I don't see anything.

Oreos: I'm sorry we are out of light, our prison is kind of going bankrupt, blame your older brother for not paying the bills.

( If you are wondering what happened to Mycroft the answer again is: we have no clue, and we don't give a shit)

(Sherlock find a cellphone on his pocket and turn the flash on. He is surrounded by pictures of Nancy, Oreos and his family, all of them on the wall.)

Sherlock: What does it mean?

(He is about to touch a picture of Nancy, but the walls fall. The room was made out of cardboard, that's so poor)

Sherlock: Okay now Oreos, where is John?

John (yelling from somewhere): Sherlock, I'm here deep in the well.

Sherlock: Can you climb?

John: No, I can't, I'm stuck, and there is water falling.

Oreos: Don't worry Sherlock, piranhas can swim (devious laughter).

Sherlock: Oreos, what the fuck do you want me to do?

Oreos: Just a hint: check the gravestones.

( Sherlock sees gravestones with things written on it. But they don't make sense, he starts to think about it, because he is a genius and can put the pieces together.)

Sherlock: Okay… mm… " I am beautiful at my way", what is this supposed to mean?

Oreos: Think Sherlock.

Sherlock: "God makes no mistakes"

(Flashback. Sherlock is only a kid, he is sitting in his living room reading Shakespeare, but he is kind of bored. Nancy is there.)

Sherlock: Nancy, can you sing a song for me?

Nancy: Okay, I will sing something I'm writing right now. (Singing) I am beautiful at my way cause god doesn't make mistakes, I am on the right track baby I was born this way.

Sherlock: What is this song about?

Nancy: Accepting yourself.

Sherlock: What does it means?

Nancy: That you are proud of who you are.

(End of flashback)

Sherlock: I know now! This is a song Nancy wrote and used to sing!

Oreos: Right Sherlock, what else?

Sherlock: I… don't know it doesn't make sense to me.

Oreos: That's because you know nothing about pop culture. Not so genius right?

Sherlock: Pop culture is useless.

(Let's pretend Sherlock didn't make a dragon ball pun in this episode, because we actually left a lot of plot holes)

Oreos: It is not. If pop culture was useless your friend was not going to drown in that well.

John: Sherlock sing this song to me!

Sherlock: Okay… (singing) I am beautiful at my way, cause god makes no mistakes.

John: That's a… Lady Gaga song!

Sherlock: What?! No. Nancy wrote it.

(Sherlock starts his thinking process and have a lot of flashbacks that reminds him of things)

(The first one is Nancy carrying bags with meat in it, Sherlock as a kid run to her)

Sherlock: Nancy, what are you doing?

Nancy: Guess I'm going to cook dinner… Or maybe I'm doing a dress out of meat. (winks)

(Then Sherlock is sitting at the table doing a disgusted face)

Nancy: Sherlock eat your vegetables! Don't make a poker face while doing it! (winks)

(Then Nancy is on her bedroom listening to music on her Walkman)

Sherlock: What are you doing Nancy?

Nancy: I'm listening to this Queen song, called Radio Gaga, is really giving me some good ideas. (winks)

(Nancy receives a call from her ex boyfriend and answer it.)

Nancy: Stop telephoning me- eh –eh eh (winks)

(Then Sherlock is sitting at his couch when Nancy approaches him.)

Nancy: Hi Sherlock, I'm Lady Gaga.

(This last one may not be very accurate)

(Then Sherlock try to get all his memory together and try to make a deduction out of it)

Sherlock: Oh my god! Nancy is Lady Gaga!

Oreos: Finally you discovered the truth Sherlock.

Sherlock: But… you killed her!

Oreos: I thought I did… I just threw her in acid, but like that suicide squad movie, where Harley Quinn is thrown in acid, she just came out of it being different…. Being Lady Gaga. When Lady Gaga started making success, I suspected there were something suspicious about here. I did some researches and it was Nancy.

Sherlock: And why did you wanted me to figure it out?

Oreos: Well, because I needed to use you and your friend as a bait. See, I realized when it was too late that I was a Lady Gaga fan. I spent years being a little monster, but Nancy would never forgive me for throwing her on the acid pool, so I met Jim, he was a little monster too, and we made a plan to attract her to here.

Sherlock: And why you needed me and John?

Oreos: Because you are a gay couple, every time a gay couple is in trouble Lady Gaga goes to rescue them, she calls it the lgbt police.

John: We are not gay!

Sherlock: This makes zero sense.

Oreos: Nothing in this show makes sense. By the way where is Jim? I'm not going to get an autograph to this bitch when Lady Gaga gets here.

Sherlock: Nancy is not coming!

(An helicopter starts to fly above in the sky, and stops)

Nancy Gaga (yelling at a megaphone): Where are the endangered homosexuals?

John: Here, I guess, but I'm straight by the way.

Nancy Gaga: Sherlock? Oh my god, are you Sherlock, the kid I used to babysit?

Sherlock: Yes Nancy! My friend is in danger, my evil sister threw him on a well. But don't risk your life coming here, this is a trap my sister Oreos made to you.

(Nancy Gaga flew her helicopter and threw a stair to John. He got out, don't ask me how, we know he was tied up to the bottom of that shit.)

(John runs and hugs Sherlock)

Sherlock: Why are you hugging me?

John: Guess I was missing you.

Nancy Gaga: Can the two gays kiss? I want to take a picture of you two and post on my Instagram.

John: I am sorry Lady Gaga, but we are just friends.

Nancy Gaga: That's too bad.

(John is using a blanket because he is all wet and he is holding hands with Sherlock to warm him up, no homo just warming friends)

Oreos (running through the field): LADY GAGA OH MY GOD!

Nancy Gaga: Isn't her that bitch that threw me on the acid?

Sherlock: Yes.

(Oreos gets close to Lady Gaga but she kicks her in the stomach)

Nancy Gaga: Back off bitch.

Oreos (crying): I… just wanted your autograph.

Nancy Gaga: You tried to kill me when you was a kid and now you tried to kill you lovely brother and his gay lover.

John: Friend.

Oreos: Okay, I am a psychopath, but that doesn't mean I can't be a Lady Gaga fan.

Nancy Gaga: You should be in jail.

( When she says it the police gets there and handcuff Oreos)

Greg Lestrade: Hey, isn't her Lady Gaga?

Nancy: Yep, that's me.

Greg Lestrade: I just want you to know that the Scotland Yard is a fan of your work.

Nancy: This gave me an idea, since we are all here in this creep mausoleum why don't I make a show for yall?

John: Fuck yeah!

Greg: This seems a good idea.

Oreos: Can I participate?

Nancy: Yes, but you will have to be handcuffed and be escorted by the police the whole time.

Oreos: Thank you Lady Gaga! So, come on brother and John, we have a show to attend.

(A stage is built on the lawns, and the whole London Pd, Oreos (escorted by the police) John and Sherlock are watching)

(Nancy, or Lady Gaga, whatever you prefer is singing Judas on the stage)

(Jim is nowhere to be found)

Sherlock: This song seems like a profanity to me.

John (dancing and singing along word by word): what?

Sherlock: Never mind.

(Lady Gaga ends Judas.)

Oreos (handcuffed and screaming): DIVA, HOTTIE, FUCK ME UP LADY GAGA.

Nancy: Thank you. This next song I want to dedicate to a little boy I used to babysit, he has inspired me to write it, and this one is for you Sherlock. It's called born this way.

(The audience goes crazy when she says this)

Nancy: It doesn't matter if you love him, or H-I-M.

( Sherlock is shy and quiet, he doesn't knows how to react. John is singing the song)

Nancy: My mama told me when I was young we are all super stars.

Oreos: YEASS WE FUCKING ARE.

(Sherlock watches John dancing all happy, and his happiness make Sherlock happy. John was about to die some minutes ago, and now he is dancing to Lady gaga, what a fucking hero)

(Sherlock starts to dance with John they are both jumping)

Nancy: Come on guys. (singing) I am beautiful at my way cause god makes no mistakes.

John and Sherlock: I am on the right track baby I was born this way!

(Oreos sees her brother and dances with him and John)

All of them (including the police officers): Don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you're set.

Nancy: I am on the right track baby I was born this way!

(The show ends)

Nancy: Thank yall for receiving me today, you are one of the best audiences I ever presented to.

Oreos: THANK YOU GAGA! SIT ON MY FACEE.

Nancy: And I just want to wish you all good things, it doesn't matter if you are friends, a couple, or a little girl that threw me on the acid, you are all great people!

Oreos (passes out).

(And the episode is almost ending, but there are things still to happen.)

Share your thoughts about it, and just wanted to say next chapter is going to be very special let's say I'm not going to queerbait you like some people did xo ;)


	5. Chapter 5

So here is the last part of it.

(And the episode is almost ending, but there are things still to happen.)

(So, now there is a part where Sherlock is going to visit Oreos in her new cell, we are going to show this just to fill more space, because it's kind of lame anyway)

(Sherlock is there and his parents and Mycroft are there too, and Oreos of course, because she is in prison)

Mom: Mycroft we are very disappointed at you, we can't believe you were so irresponsible dealing with Oreos, and letting her kidnap your younger brother and allowing Jim to buy that prison.

(Mycroft looks upset)

Oreos: Bitch what the fuck. You made your 12 year old son deal with your psychotic child when you clearly couldn't. Now you are going to make him feel ashamed for this? Not on my watch, Mycroft was a better parent to me than you ever were. You never visited me in prison, you never told your younger child about me. Don't blame him for your immature ass, and get out of my cell you are not welcome, bye.

(Mom Holmes get out of the cell with rage)

Dad: So, the weather.

Oreos: You too.

Dad: Okay.

(Dad Holmes get out of there too)

Mycroft: I never thought I would ever say this to you, but thank you Oreos.

Oreos: You are welcome. I'm so sorry by the way I treated you guys, I really regret not being your friend, it would be much better than being your enemy. I'm sorry Sherlock, I shouldn't had made an alliance with Jim.

Sherlock: You were a monster; however, I accept your apologies. There's just something I don't understand, where did Mycroft and Jim go in the final level of the game?

Mycroft: Well, I told you I wanted to watch American's next top model.

Oreos: Jim escaped, perhaps he knew the police would get there and he ran away on his helicopter.

Sherlock: So this bastard probably is still planning something against me. Why do you think he is so obsessed with me?

(Mycroft and Oreos stare at each other and they are about to laugh, like the answer is too obvious for them)

Oreos: Is this a serious question?

Mycroft: Jesus Sherlock, you are too smart for some things, but for others…

Sherlock: Come on, how would I know?

Oreos: Aright, it may be shocking but Jim is completely in love with you. He loves you more than the writers of this tv show love to leave plot holes.

Sherlock: WHAT?

Mycroft: And he discovered the world.

Sherlock: Jim is not in love with me.

Oreos: He is Sherlock, and you broke the poor's man heart, soon he will be looking for you and John, so if I were you I would not let my guard down.

Sherlock: What does he have against John?

Oreos: You are so good making deductions… make one by yourself.

(They stay in silence for a minute)

Oreos: You know what would be like super cool? If we did a high school musical flash mob.

Sherlock and Mycroft: NO.

Oreos: Jeez, it was just a suggestion.

(Last scene, kind of, we don't know yet. John and Sherlock are in John's apartment, John's child is asleep in somewhere nearby, we don't know his child's name, but neither does he, so whatever. They are sitting at John's couch.)

Sherlock: I'm glad you survived and we passed through this together, you know… your help is always welcome.

John: Thank you. I can't believe I almost died and met Lady Gaga on the same day.

(Sherlock is looking John correspondence, when he sees something strange)

Sherlock: John what is this?

(He shows John a letter with "miss me, bitch? No? Whatever")

John: I don't know, it must be Mary's, she keeps coming back from the dead to send this awful movies.

( And it had a dvd inside it)

Sherlock: Let's watch it then.

John: Are you sure? Titanic is on now.

( They watch Mary's movie. We know you are all tired of her stupid movies just as the protagonists, but this one is going to be the bomb)

(Mary appears on the tv)

Mary: Hello, if you are watching this it's because I'm probably dead.

John: Don't you say.

Mary: You know, I have a lot of haters out there, what can I do? I am popular I cannot change that. Anyway, this video is not about me.

John: Thank god.

Mary: The subject of this movie is John and Sherlock, that's right, I hope you two are watching it together. Doing some calculus when you are watching this you probably just have escaped Sherlock's evil sister prison. That's right, I know about her, because I'm like satan and I know everything about evil.

Sherlock: How…

Mary: It doesn't matter now, I know you are intrigued Sherlock, but I'm already dead so why is this worth for? I need to talk about you two's relationship, don't interrupt me.

John: Can she start saying something substantial?

Mary: I heard that John, fuck you.

John: What the…

Mary: I know you never loved me John. I could see it in your eyes, besides the fact that you cheated on me with a hundred women including that chick on the bus that actually was Sherlock's evil sister in disguise.

(Sherlock stares at John somewhat confused)

Mary: But who cares, I cheated on you too, I'm sorry. I mean… I know I could never be the woman of your life, but neither could be any of that random chicks you met. Because the woman of your life is… a man.

John: She is talking gibberish, let's turn this thing off.

Mary (shouting): DON'T YOU DARE TURNING THIS THING OFF JOHN WATSON.

(Sherlock and John are scared now.)

John: How she knows all of those things? This is creeping me a little bit now.

Mary: Yes, the man of your life John, also known as Sherlock Holmes.

( A romantic song starts to be played)

Mary: The song is coming from my ipod, I just wanted this moment to be romantic. I knew I would have to do this, because if I didn't you two would never be together, and this can't happen, simply can't. You two are made for each other, that's why all these women were never enough, because the only scenario where you can settle down is with Sherlock by your side. And Sherlock, I know you say you are "married to your work" and stuff like that to pretend you are asexual or something. But, actually, you are just afraid that John would turn you down if you showed some sentiment or whatsoever. However, believe me, he would not, he loves you back, more that you could imagine, he would never turn you down. You two need to admit it aloud, you love each other. I am done being a frustrated Johnlock shipper; I want to see my two boys kissing from heaven. Look, I even made a scrapbook.

(Mary shows to them a scrapbook she made with photos of them together)

Mary: Look how cute you two look together, oh my god. Look this one is on the wedding, you two look like a gay couple about to get married. Look this one is kind of blurry, but is John fucking a chick on the day of our wedding , what a good husband. I watched you two fucking and then I filmed everything and made a collage with Sherlock's face on the girl you were fucking, it's all on my blog if you want to see. Is if you want to check it out.

John: I surely don't want to check it out.

Mary: You don't want to check it out, that's what I thought. I'm not the only one shipping you guys, there's a lot of people on the internet that do it too. Okay, it's better to go now, no one can stand me anymore. Last but not least: you two love each other, now you have the chance to say it since I'm gone. Goodbye.

(They stay in silence, they can hear each other's breathing. John is about to say something, but then he shuts down. They stay this way for some minutes, staring at the static tv screen)

John (finally): She is crazy, I'm sorry Sherlock, my dead wife is crazy, I'm sorry she said that, she is dead anyway, we shouldn't hear what she says anymore, we are just good friends and that's all we are ever going to be, and I...

Sherlock: I love you.

(John jaw's drop. He what? Sherlock said what he thinks he said?)

John: What…

Sherlock: I love you.

(Again?)

John: But… you are not gay. You had sex with Irene, Molly, Janine…

Sherlock (snorts): It was an experimental thing John, I sorry you had that impression. But it wasn't my… thing. I thought for a long time that sex was useless to me, and I thought it for so long that it became true. It became true until you came into my life John Watson. You made me see things different, and that's more that I can say about anyone. I am sorry I never had the chance to say to you, but I saw you happy with Mary and she was pregnant, I didn't have the right to destroy the family you build to yourself. I just can't take it anymore, I said it and if you don't love me back and this make you uncomfortable in any way I will understand if you get out of my life forever. I will respect your decision, but personally I could not live knowing I didn't told you the truth, and I have to thank Mary for that, I mean, she seemed to know it.

(Sherlock looks to his right to see John's reaction, and he is crying. Why would he do such thing?)

Sherlock: Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?

John: No… you fool, you didn't say anything wrong.

Sherlock: Then why…

John: Because I never thought I would hear this words coming out of your mouth. Don't you understand? I dreamt with this day repeatedly. The day where you would come to me and say I misunderstood everything. That you were not straight, and you felt something for me, Sherlock. As the years went by it only sounded like an immature fantasy that you would feel any human emotion for me. That you would feel something, anything, I would die of happiness just a little bit of it. But love? You saying you love me? I couldn't imagine that, not even in my best dreams. I love you too, I love you like I never loved anyone, and I say this from the deep of my heart.

(Sherlock smiles)

Sherlock: So… you want to kiss me?

(John smiles back)

( He pushes Sherlock on the couch and start a kiss. First Sherlock don't know how to react, but then he puts his arm around John's back. Jonh is pulling him by his shirt, he is grabbing him hard and he can't just get away from his lips. They lay down together without stopping the kiss. They hug and kiss till John steps back to say something)

John: Would you will to go any further?

Sherlock: What do you mean?

John: mmm… sex Sherlock.

Sherlock: Yes, yes I would.

(He grabs Sherlock arms and kiss him again)

John: In my bed.

(He gets up carrying Sherlock's on his lap)

Sherlock: Do you handle me?

John: Just let me do my job.

(He carries Sherlock and kicks his doorway, like they are a married couple in a romantic movie going to their honeymoon, he throws him on bed and jumps on him. They stop kissing because Sherlock is laughing, and John starts laughing too)

John: What?

Sherlock: Nothing…

(Gay sex.)

( We know you all want to see some gay sex, but we can't describe it because it would be too explicit to show, if you want to see them fucking, go to Mary's blog even knowing it's a fake version. Let's just say they had sex and it was awesomely good. They are laying down naked, covered by the white sheets and they are puffing because the sex was intense as fuck.)

(They are all smiles.)

John: Thank you.

Sherlock: No, thank YOU.

(Sherlock initiate a kiss now, he likes this)

Sherlock: Why don't you come with Rose to 221B, so we can live all together?

John: Who is Rose?

Sherlock: Your daughter.

John: Ah. Do you want us there?

Sherlock: Of course I do.

John: Then it's a deal.

(Now there is a scene where Sherlock and John comeback to 221B with… what's her name? Anyway, the baby. So they start to straighten the apartment again, because it exploded some scenes ago, but a lot of objects stood still in the same way they were before the explosion, because… who needs sense?)

(The scene goes fast forward, and Mrs. Hudson appears to help them.)

(Then Molly enters the apartment)

Molly: I knew you two were gay.

(Lestrade shows up there, and Mycroft too, like who cares he had disappeared before? And even Lady Nancy Gaga shows up there!)

(If you did not understand, we are making a family-friendly final, not so much if your family is homophobic, but we can't help with that)

John: We are all a big family. (That sounded cliché, but when you see the scene is going to be very cute actually)

(Sherlock kiss him one more time)

(They end up being a very gay family)

(Credits roll on)

So... There will be an extra credit scene, stay tuned.


	6. Extra Scene

(Extra scene)

(Jim Moriarty is looking at a tv screen, in the corner of the room there is a secret person dressed in black, we won't reveal her identity)

John (coming from the tv): We are all a big family.

(Jim looks like he is about to vomit)

Jim: Oh, they are so pathetic. They are kissing now, ugh! This is disgusting.

Secret Person: Jealous much?

Jim: Ha, next joke. Sherlock maybe is jealous of me. I am definitely not.

Secret Person: No he is not, Jim. He looks happy with John, he is the person that Sherlock should be with.

Jim: He looks miserable, that's how he looks.

Secret Person: The best thing for you to do now is forget this stupid idea that Sherlock would ever be attracted for you, that is very delusional, Jim, and it's best now that you don't let you heart confuse your brain.

(Jim looks at the secret person, she is smoking, the fume is filling the room)

Jim: My heart is not going to muddle me.

Secret Person: Great.

Jim: I want to make this two to suffer.

Secret Person: And how are you going to do so?

Jim: Being clever and being many steps ahead from them.

Secret Person: Good.

Jim: And what is going to be your part in this plan?

Secret Person: I already know what will be my role in this, is just a matter of waiting and see, everything at its right time.

(They stay silent and watch the tv)

Nancy Gaga: Rose looks so much like you, John.

John: Do you think so?

Jim: Uh, it is just a baby it doesn't looks like anything other than a thumb.

Nancy Gaga: Yeah, I think.

Secret Person: So is Lady Gaga playing Rose's babysitter? Weren't you a fan of this woman?

Jim: Yes, it is such a shame that I couldn't watch her show at Oreo's prison.

Secret Person: Well, I need to go now Jim. See you in a week or so, I have an appointment. I will stay in touch.

Jim: Secret plans?

Secret Person(sighs): Remember to do your things. Do not ever forget we share the same interests.

Jim: To cause John and Sherlock a great amount of pain.

Secret Person: Good boy.

(The end.)

(Now is a real ending)

So... I was thinking about writing original Sherlock stories (like a season 5 or something like this). Maybe in the future I will do it, I already have a name, the first episode would be called "Sherlock and the adventure of the Hooter's waitress (so lame, haha, I know). Thank you for reading the story till here 3, let me know your thoughts.


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